The National Institute of Health (NIH) announced last week that they were going to start using lawyers instead of rats in their experiments. Naturally, the American Bar Association was outraged and filed suit. Yet, the NIH presented some very good reasons for the switch.

1. The lab assistants were becoming very attached to their little rats. This emotional involvement was interfering with the research being conducted. No such attachment could form for a lawyer.
2. Lawyers breed faster and are in much greater supply.
3. Lawyers are much cheaper to care for and the humanitarian societies won't jump all over you no matter what you're studying.
4. There are some things even a rat won't do.

another version

Why do behavioral scientists prefer lawyers to rats for their experiments?

1. There are more of the lawyers to work with.
2. Lawyers are more expendable.
3. Lawyers do more harm to society than rats.
4. Lab assistants are less likely to develop a bond or feel sympathy for them.
5. Rats arouse more feelings of compassion and humanity.
6. They multiply faster.
7. Rats have an inate right to life and liberty.
8. Animal rights groups will not object to their torture.
9. Rats have more dignity.
10. There are some things even a rat won't do.
11. They're easier to catch... just tell somebody you want to sue someone and in no time, you'll have 10 of them at your feet.
12. So you can brainwash them not to run for political office.